Please, let me fuck your mom
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
