Your dad touched me again.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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