Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Watching her eat just hurts me
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
