clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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