Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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