This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
