I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize