I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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