i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
