I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
