i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize