I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
