She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
