I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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