Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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