it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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