I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
