My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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