and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
