No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
