i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
