Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize