I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
