I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
