Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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