is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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