just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
