sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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