Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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