Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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