Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize