I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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