It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
