Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
