I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
