I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
