next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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