why didn't you poke me back
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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