the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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