YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
