pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
