I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
