last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
