I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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