Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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