At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
don't judge my taste in strippers
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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