oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
