I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Are we still banned from the library?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
