Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize