Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize