gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
