Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
