Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
