Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
