Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
