This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
