The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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