Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
