I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize