Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
