i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize