Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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