um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
