I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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