mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
