if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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