We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize