you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
