Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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