I wish my penis had an off switch
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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