Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
