did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
