he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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