So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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